Leaving without looking back
by Agentkem
Summary: An emotional take on what may or might have happened after the end of season three, before season four. Note: POV Iris
1. End of the beginning

Note: These characters mentioned or implied are not mine, but their respective owners at the flash. I did not create them nor the plots referenced as surrounding this circumstance.

I drew a breath and then he was gone. My best friend, the love of my life, was gone. I wanted to scream, and to shout. Instead I shed one last tear before I walked back into star labs. Back to the mess he left behind.

Everyone following behind, while my father placed his hand in comfort onto my shoulder. My father was still crying, but I was done. Done with crying as everyone entered into the damaged cortex. All of us staring at each other. Those close enough to Barry were crying. Except the one closest to him wasn't. I wasn't. I was going to keep running. I needed to keep running. However, my father wanted to hold me back. Make me grieve longer than I wanted to, than I should. "Iris sweety, are you okay?" I would tense up a bit. " Barry, he's gone, dad." He would look at me with worry as I spoke those words, all of them wavering in certainty. " Why aren't you crying?" He would ask. His response did more harm than good. It would cause me to hold in a breath that I didn't know I wanted to hold. He would continue. " It's okay to cry" I would grit my teeth, ready to respond, knowing what I had to say. Then my words escaped my mouth. " He wants me to keep running." Then came his response. "He would want you to mourn."

The rest of the night went by without another exchange between my father and I. Everyone spoke about Barry; they cried and were overly emotional. I faded into the background. Only when I arrived back to our, scratch that, my apartment, did I cry. I cried my eyes out, because I didn't have my Barry to keep me from making a misstep. Barry always kept me running, but now I felt like I was falling.


	2. Knowing and Not Knowing

Note: These characters mentioned or implied are not mine, but their respective owners at the flash. I did not create them nor the plots referenced as surrounding this circumstance.

The next day I had stopped crying. I promised myself that I wouldn't succumb to crying again. It wasn't worth the energy and it didn't help the promise I made to Barry. Waking up alone on the couch was painful, but not as much as the thought that Barry didn't wake up at all today. He was gone. The hardest part about grief is knowing that you can't guarantee when it will stop. I am telling myself it stops now, but I know that it is not something I can will away. My life is now defined by where I go from here, and I must be ready for what happens from here.

Looking at my cellphone I inwardly groan at the text messages that I had and was receiving from CCPN about the 'lightning storm' and the rumored disappearance of the 'scarlet speedster' into the storm. Asking me to follow up, and track down the 'brave hero' to see if I can track him down, or if the rumors were true and he was gone. The way the texts were referring to and talking about the hero as if he wasn't more than a hero meant to save the city, that there was no possibility of him having family, no possibility of having loved ones, it made my stomach sick. He was more, he was my Barry Allen. He was the love of my life, the one I was meant to be with and yet he was destined to die for this city. It wasn't my decision, and it was hardly a fair decision for him to have had to made, but none the less he did voluntarily go into the speedforce. Though I feel like he should have conferred more with me to see if I was okay with it, because I wasn't. Now I will never get a chance to object to his decision. He was gone.

Skipping breakfast, and skipping coffee, I shoot Cisco a quick text to meet me at STAR labs and then I head over to STAR labs myself. The place where all of this started, the place that had given Barry his powers, that had left him in a coma, that had forced me to seek comfort in someone else, that had led to that someone else being taken away, that had led to me realizing my deep-rooted love for Barry, that had caused Barry to piss off some unknown dimension and that had resulted in Barry being taken from me. There was utter hate and yet apprehensiveness in returning to this place. I wasn't just mad, I was scared about returning to the place. All it had given me and yet taken from me was disheartening. Waiting in the damaged and broken-down cortex felt uncomfortable, but so was sleeping in the apartment. Everything was bound to feel uncomfortable. Even the worried texts I received from my father this morning felt uncomfortable. I didn't want to look at them. I didn't feel like talking to my dad, talking about Barry. Keep running forward, that is what I have to do.

Cisco would break my concentration on my thoughts, his footsteps signifying his arrival. He didn't respond to my text message, and yet he has the time to shoot me a look of pity. He looks a wreck. I probably look a wreck. Is this what would have happened if I had died and not Barry? Cisco would have been giving Barry a look of pity, he would have been looking to see if Barry was alright. He wouldn't have been alright. They all knew that now, if I had died, then so would have Barry, in a way. There's no constellation in that, but there is in the fact that I didn't die last night. I couldn't die. That would be breaking the promise she made him. The promise to keep running. "What?" I would ask Cisco in haste. Knowing just what, but not giving in to the look, not accepting the pity as one aimed towards me, it can't be aimed at me. I am too strong for pity, knowing darn well it had nothing to do with strength or lack thereof. "I-I-I" he would stammer, having flinched for what I surmised probably was because of my tone, he however would continue. "Why did you want to meet here Iris, is everything okay?" He would ask, he would imply that things weren't okay. "We have work to do Cisco." I would say, avoiding the question on if everything was 'okay.' No, nothing was 'okay,' but what were they supposed to do? Allow metas to control this city? Obviously, that's what Cisco had in mind for his facial features contorted in surprise. He would start to say "but," but I would cut him off. "Cisco, there's work to do, and I know that you know that there's work to be done." I would say sternly. Cisco would sigh, rubbing the bridge of his nose, whispering to himself as something that I could only hear as "I should have known," in almost a saddened tone. "Okay, I was hoping to wait until we weren't grieving, to prevent too much wasted time because of the potentiality for grieving to get in the way, but yes, I will get going on my plan to get Barry back." He would say, rubbing his hands as he forced a smile as I felt my stomach drop. No no no no no, that's not what I meant by work?! Why would he grieve if there's a chance of Barry coming back? That's right, because there isn't. He's only saying that to help me grieve and well I am not allowing it. "No, the metas," I would say. Not even humoring the fact that he wanted to try to bring Barry back. Not willing to even further speak about it, to even think about it. Barry was dead, and apparently Cisco's strength was too, for his eyes started to tear up despite his obvious attempts to withhold it. "You know I tried to forgive him sooner." He would state, say, throwing me through a loop. "What?" I was caught off guard. "Barry, I tried to forgive him sooner." He would elaborate, slowing down and then stopping his tears from continuing to fall. He would continue once he realized that I wasn't going to respond. Perhaps realizing that I didn't want to respond. "I spent all of that time, wasting all of that time on being mad at Barry. Somehow, he still managed to entrust me as the new leader of team flash. I don't want to- I don't deserve to be." He would say emotionally. Suddenly I was understanding what he was getting at, or well knew what I wanted it to be, what to me made sense in the context of Barry wanting me to 'keep running.' He looked straight into my eyes and spoke those words that I had been anticipating, "You should be." He would say and I knew to some extent that I had to be the new leader, for team flash, for Barry. To honor the promise I had made for him.

Note: This story will hopefully be written slowly and develop slowly. I do apologize if it develops a bit too slowly, but I feel like if I speed it up, it will lead me to writing too fast and then therefore I will miss crucial details? Anyways, Thank you for the help Guest :D, and for the review Isabelle :D!


End file.
